07.11.2008

I Wish I Was Born a Girl...

I wish I was born a girl.  Why you ask?  Well, women are traditionally less skilled in the realms of hand-eye coordination, memorization, mental quickness and several other factors that contribute to video game playing ability.  So, if I was born a girl, I wouldn't have to be so ashamed of myself when I play Contra.

Contra: one of the only game series that, upon merely hearing the name, my brow becomes moist and my pants become moister.  Moistier?  More moist?  However, you choose to say it, it's still disgusting.  Contra is hard (duh).  Really hard.  Like really, really hard.  Lately, these feelings of shame and rage are inspired by a certain Contra 4 for the Nintendo DS.  I picked up this game longing for a retro-romp through the alien killing goodness that I thought I so fondly remembered from childhood.  What I had forgotten was that Contra consistently and thoroughly made me curse my own existence.  Back in the halcyon days of my youth, no game caused more fights between my cousins and I during family gatherings.  And no game has ever, EVER, made me question my gaming abilities like Contra.  This newest installment for the DS is no exception.

This is the part where I detail just what it is about this series that makes me want to stomp a chipmunk to death.  Is it the fast-paced, run-and-gun, memorization-heavy gameplay?  Why yes, that does in fact make me look like a retarded chimp with Alzheimer's EVERY TIME I PLAY.  Oooh, how about that one boss that's really difficult and impossible to defeat?  OH WAIT, THAT'S EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM.  Maybe it's the fact that you lose your completely necessary weapon upgrades when you die?  STUPID JUSTIN, WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT THESE GAMES?!?!?

Contra (NES)

Contra 4 (Nintendo DS)

Contra III: The Alien Wars (SNES)

Mind-numbingly difficult obstacle courses, impossibly ridiculous bosses, and awesome weapon upgrades that you can never hang on to have all contributed to my never-ending failures in the world of Contra.

There's no denying that Contra 4 (and all of the prequels, minus the 3D-ish crappy ones) is a phenomenal game.  If you haven't played it, I suggest that you remove yourself from your computer screen and buy it this instant.  It captures the spirit of its retro predecessors perfectly...it just so happens that the spirit of its retro predecessors enrages me to the point of slapping a panda bear in the face.

I suck at Contra...